On Fear: Mount Mitchell

Wooooow, I’m late! I’ve been MIA for the past month or so, but I needed to take some time to find some balance as there is sooooo much transition coming in the next few months for my family. Aside from that, I also wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with this post… but as I sit here today, I think I’ve finally got it figured out.

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About 5 weeks ago, I started taking Zoloft (Sertraline) for serious anxiety and panic disorder that I’ve battled (mostly silently) for years. To say I was scared would be a vast understatement. I was absolutely terrified – the first day on the medicine, I sat there with the tiny pill in my hand, staring at it and wondering, “What is this little tiny piece of condensed powder going to do to me?” I’ve heard all the horror stories… But I also know that our brain and our body works together to react to fear, and often, that’s what causes panic attacks (for me). I put that fear aside and put my trust in my psychiatrist. The last 5 weeks have been full of change in my brain and the way I process things. I feel like this medicine is working for me and I’m able to enjoy the little things, that much more.

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3 weeks ago, the first weekend in December, Tyler and I packed the car and headed to Asheville, North Carolina where we planned on climbing Mount Mitchell. It is the highest peak east of the Mississippi, standing at 6,684 feet. I found the cutest little tiny house (eeek!) on AirBNB, just an hour from the trailhead. We were lucky enough to stop along the route at a dear friend’s house and see her family. Her little one is a firecracker, to say the least!

On Friday night, we googled top dinner spots in Asheville and set out for the “Edison Kitchen”… little to our knowledge, we were pulling into the Omni Grove Park Inn, greeted by a valet and being ushered into the most grand hotel I’ve ever been in. I’ve always thought of an “Inn” as a small, quaint place… The Grove Park Inn was far from small, and the kind of resort hotel that I’ve always dreamed of planning weddings at.

In the atrium, Tyler immediately had his heart set on fresh hot cocoa (it was pouring rain). As we waited in line, I realized the ‘hot coca stand’ was actually a GIANT gingerbread house. You guys… they used 400 POUNDS OF BREAD FLOUR and 440 POUNDS OF POWDERED SUGAR (+ close to 1,000 lbs total of other ingredients). Total, this gingerbread house took the staff 784 hours to complete. And people were standing in it, serving me hot coca?!?

We retired to our tiny house and slept soooo peacefully with the sounds of nature just outside the walls of our tiny cocoon (LINK here to book this amazing little place). The next morning, we woke up early, packed our gear and prayed the rain would stay at bay for this hike… Do bears hibernate on the east coast? Is that a dumb question? Should I have brought the gun or bear spray? It was -4 and covered in snow on Mt. Mitchell 3 days ago, so I shouldn’t worry……… all thoughts spinning in circles through my brain.6391FDEB-E0C3-46E2-BFB6-4913423A6F4C.JPG

BAM, dead bear on the side of the road on the way there. I guess they’re still awake, so that’s cool.

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We pulled into the trailhead and saw another Subaru with two gentlemen, donning fishing gear. It was sprinkling, but nothing unmanageable. They gave us some trail tips, and almost immediately after we set foot on the trail, a torrential downpour rolled in. Like, rain drops running down my face, I might as well go swimming in a lake, kind of downpour. The brush was thick, visibility was poor and I looked at Tyler and said “is this a bad idea?”

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Honestly, in that moment, I was scared. Scared because the bears were awake and scared because we were completely alone on that mountain. There was not another soul on the trail and that was abundantly clear from the silence. I was looking for Tyler to justify turning around and attempting this hike again in the spring…

 
The entire hike, about 6.5 miles from the parking lot to the summit, was full of riveting conversation and an excellent opportunity to connect with my hubby, doing what we love. The trail was challenging, not because of the terrain, but because of the elevation gain and the changing climate. When we first started, amidst the torrential downpour, I was sweating bullets. As we climbed higher, it only got colder.IMG_2248

A close friend was supposed to be meeting us at the summit (you can drive up there, too) to take our Christmas card photos and document this climb because helloooo, highest peak on the east coast! We got to the top and there was no sign of Cynthia. We met two guys (wow, there are other people up here?!) who noticed our microspikes and sparked a conversation. Turns out, he’s climbed Denali (one failed attempt and one completed) and a few of the other major peaks around the world. He was on top of Mitchell scoping out boulders, as he wanted to buy 2,000 lbs of rock to boulder in his backyard. People buy some crazy shit, but that one is definitely on top of the list.

I was frozen. It was near-sleeting at the summit, 30+mph winds and we had stopped moving to wait for Cynthia. The visibility was deteriorating even further. I saw the lights of her jeep come around the corner and I basically threw myself in her car, in front of her heaters, to warm up.  We took some pictures, but froze even more for the 10ish minutes we were outside, and as the conditions got worse… We made a safety call and jumped into her jeep and rode back down to our car. We stopped to take some great shots in these amazing tunnels on the Blue Ridge Parkway, but truly couldn’t see more than 50ft in front of the jeep while driving. If you’re in the Asheville area, head over to Cynthia Gilbraith Photography for amazing work with a beautiful soul.

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Some would say we quit or didn’t finish this hike and to that, I say: YES. We absolutely did. My feet carried me 6.7 miles and 3,701 feet up at a 31:41 pace. We didn’t quit, we made a safety call. Cynthia saw a bear run across the road on her way up and we didn’t have any bear spray and we could hardly see. We were sopping wet and completely frozen… so we made a safety call and I’d make the same call time and time again.

I was scared at first. Annnnd for most of the hike, to be honest. But I do this because fighting my fears is important to me. If I just lived in a bubble that protected me from all of the things I was afraid of, I probably wouldn’t ever leave my house. I do this because looking down at where we started is so, so relatable. It reminds me that everyone starts somewhere and there is ALWAYS going to be a climb. We aren’t handed anything.

In the next 68 days, Tyler and I will be transitioning from our home for the last 3 ½ years to a new home in Alaska. Ty will be heading to Texas for 3 months of training (in his dream job!) and I’ll be road-tripping back to Alaska with my dad and two dogs (+sedatives for the dogs and maybe dad, too) to start my career. It’s not going to be easy, but everything we’ve been through the past 3 years together, in this year alone, and right now, has prepared us for THIS climb.IMG_2324

Fear is relative. Our brain is trained to interpret perceived threats and process them into what is a real threat and what isn’t – Let your brain do what it is meant to do, let it process and understand when danger is real. And when it’s not, slow down and enjoy the beauty that is LIVING.

Stay Wild

XOXO//Dylan

A Weekend in the Woods: Why I Will ALWAYS Choose the Mountains

My favorite part about this weekend was seeing the pure excitement in my husband’s eyes at even the smallest moment. Getting out the camp stove, pouring fresh hot chocolate while we sat in the dark watching the dogs play, climbing a few boulders, watching me fall in a stream, exploring new trails – all things that lit up his eyes in a way that made my heart sing. Especially when he said “I feel like I’m galloping like a cantaloupe.” Not-so-obviously meaning antelope… the animal…

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Being from Alaska, having hot cocoa from the boiling water on the camp stove or climbing some boulders is a relatively normal thing. Weeklong camping trips were a bi-annual (at least) event in my family. My heart feels at home in the woods.
Seeing Tyler find that sense of “home” in his heart at almost 27 years old showed me a sense of child-like wonder in him that I’d only seen on our first trip to Alaska, as he watched an immature female bald eagle on the beach in Ninilchik, for hours.

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We started at Little Stony Man, mile 39.1 of Skyline Drive. The fog was thick, the air was wet and the dogs were even more wet. We came across quite a few viewpoints, all of which were blanketed with fog. I was disappointed in the lack of view for the first few seconds then I thought…

If I go stand on top of that rock, I’ll be able to look out and imagine my OWN view.

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While it was a little difficult to imagine a view where I couldn’t see so much as the edge of the granite rock-face as I stood on top of a slippery rock, I was uncontrollably happy up there. The view on the horizon was a blanket of fog, but the view on the other side was much, much better. My (perfect) husband and the two most annoying, only sometimes well-behaved, mud-covered, cool fur-covered babies.

AND, those three beings in the mountains with me?! I couldn’t be luckier.

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The past few months have been hard for me. I was sexually harassed for the second time in ONE year at work. It smacked me in the face and reminded me of how much I don’t want to be here (my current workplace/the military as a whole). I’ve struggled with feeling like I don’t belong. For so long, I’ve felt like my personality—the fire in my soul, has been smothered by work. I feel like I can’t be “me” when I’m there.

When I came across this small waterfall on our first hike of the weekend, I was reminded of a time when my mom and I jumped into an icy waterfall. It was May 28, 2011 and I had just learned of the passing of a close friend. We came across the waterfall on a bike trip and we jumped in. Why? Because we are ALIVE and sometimes, I think we need a reminder.

This dampened version of myself has been taking over my happiness for too long… jumping in THIS waterfall felt like a hard reset that I desperately needed to remind myself that I was put on this planet to LIVE my damn life and nothing and no one can take that from me.

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I was cold and wet… the air was cold and wet. But I wasn’t done. The mountains give me this incredible sense of adventure that I didn’t know I had. There was this incredible granite face near the end of the trail. Once again, I looked up and thought to myself “wow, I want to be there.” I handed Kaya’s leash to Tyler and said, “I’m going up.”

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I got about halfway to where I wanted to be and started to talk myself out of it. These rocks are slippery, the algae growing on them is making them even more slick… oh, and how the fuck am I going to get down?!?! In the mountains, I’m reminded that I have the strength to push PAST my limits. I only went up a few more steps and didn’t get to the shelf I wanted to be at but… dammit, I made it up further than I would have a month ago.  A month ago, I wouldn’t have tried at all.

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Tyler and I completed a second hike that evening, sans puppies, to give Kaya’s leg (for those of you who don’t know, she has Hypertrophic Osteodystrophy in her leg) some rest. Bearfence Mountain was a short, 1-mile roundtrip with a few fun boulder scrambles. Again, no view… but I was perfectly content.

 

 

Back at our cabin, we made a cheese board (freaking YUM!!!) and attempted to play Monopoly, Cheaters Edition! But, clearly… Kaya had other plans.

Brats and baked beans on the camp stove, followed by Hot Cocoa and Apple Cider on the lawn while the Kaya played and Oakley walked around peeing on bushes.

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In the morning, we had bagels and coffee while the sun came up. We packed for our next hike and headed out. I took a long look at Hemlock cabin before we drove away because this little cabin will always hold a place in my heart as the first weekend camping/cabin trip for my little family.

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Little Devil Stairs (5.6-mile loop) was an AWESOME hike. The entire first portion climbed up the path of the creek through the valley. It was… quite literally, devilish granite stairs. There wasn’t a “top” viewpoint, but the granite walls throughout the valley were beautiful. Snapped this awesome shot of my incredibly-handsome hubby!

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Kaya’s confidence was tested on a few water crossings, but she made it to the top all the same! Oakley might as well be a rock-climbin’ dog (who always manages to find himself covered in ticks). All in all, this weekend was the best we’ve had in a long time.

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I will choose mountains for the rest of my life because they show me a version of myself that is increasingly confident and craves adventure. The mountains have showed me the “me” who is unapologetically true to herself.

XOXO/Dylan

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